Buried

Sophie’s head feels like it is going to burst. She silently curses under her breath. The very thing that should not happen is now happening to her. She fills that gap with his songs. She remembers the silhouette of his body, tall, built with arms that make her feel safe. The sharp nose and the intense eyes. The curve of his body as he sleeps.

Sometimes the intensity overwhelms her. She has the one thing she wants right before her, within reach, within grasp, within hold. Yet she cannot put her hand out, not even to touch it. Because what she wants is fragile and immensely beautiful, she’s afraid even her gaze might ruin it. The ache of something so near yet so very far.

Sophie curses again. She does not want to remember and yet it is so hard to forget.

Sophie had jokingly and very playfully warned William about this a long time ago. Except that now she has to swallow a dose of her own medicine. Why is this happening? This should not be happening. The frustration of this is simply eating Sophie up inside.

Sophie has managed to always be on the other side of the fence when things like this take place. It is because she never realizes what is going on until a few years later. Years later when the crushes have moved on, and gathered enough courage to tell her that they liked her once upon a time.

Sophie paces up and down the room. Flashes of William come up like lighting during a thunderstorm. “The irony of all this” she mutters under her breath, “is that I’m the best friend and everything will change if I do what I want to do”. Her head pounds for a kind of consolation but nothing comes.

Sophie hates the two options she has. But not making a decision is not a solution either. Each carries a weight she does not want to shoulder. Both will come with a price to pay. Sophie wished she could turn back time to before the weekend, before the fun time, before the teasing started, before when she had a best friend.

Sophie wishes the old Sophie with the same William, where she can talk to about this dilemma she is currently in. the time when she will just ramble on and on and on and William plays the perfect gentleman, sitting down and just listening attentively.

She has wondered the possibilities of events that could take place. The acceptance in a state of shock or the rejection in a state of disbelieve. But either ways, the thought of losing the best friend is too painful to bear. “Would I rather do as I would with regret or try to find a glimmer of hope that it will work out. And if it doesn’t, at least I’ve have tried.” But losing a best friend, that’s a thought Sophie refuses to bear.

She took a walk that evening to clear her head, a very very long walk which was as far as her thoughts brought her. A single tear rolled of her eye and she heaved a heavy sigh. Sophie has made up her mind. “This” will be bottled up inside, buried in the deepest corner of her heart for she will put up a brave front and swallow the beautiful feelings she has for the darling William. For he shall not know and everything will go back to the way it was; normal. At least Sophie hopes.