Nothing is enough

The brown eyes circled in grey
The very enchanting eyelashes
The slender long fingers
Sturdy, firm arms
The way the two palms fit like
lock and key.

The scarf hiding the beautiful hair
The innocent shy smile
The sincere, genuine words which
melts the heart
like barbequed marshmallows
sends the shivers down the spine
and butterflies in the stomach.

Every imperfection adds character
The scars so personal, they hurt,
The embrace so tight
it grips the heart, mind and soul
The missing and longing of
the warmth, touch, nearness and presence
One makes all the difference
and nothing is ever enough.

The Story of Conversation

I’m trying to put down these few things into words with the softest hint of instrumental tunes at the background to crease out my thoughts. But with only 2 hours of sleep, my already limited vocabulary is failing me and I can’t really paint a picture of what I want to say. So instead of trying to explain, perhaps a story will do better justice to the impression I’m trying to convey.

“You have a conversation where the rest of the world shuts of, it is only you and the person seated next to you that matters. The surroundings start out loud and noisy, busy with the family of 40 members seated next to the two of you. Neither realized when did the jim bang trickled out. Eventually the lights start switching off before you realize how much time has passed. You feel like going for a long walk, something not done in a very long time. The other suggested a car ride and off both of you went touring the streets of the metropolitan city with no destination in mind. Just bright lights, rights and lefts, roundabouts, missed turns and sometime even going in circles. But it was fun.

A small tour of yesteryear landmarks and sandwiches at the everything-under-the-sky-stall, which brought back thoughts of carefree college days, ended the night. But in essence, the two know it wasn’t the food, crowd or ride which was significant. Tête-à-tête was the glue to the beautiful night, to the seemingly endless exchange of words, ideas, opinions, swapping of stories, history, childhood memories. You could have sat down, talked and did nothing else but went home feeling like you had best time ever.”


That was the emotion I wanted to capture. Oh, and the lack of sleep? Totally worth it.

It feels like high school

There were some things in high school which fades and then there are some which sticks till my grown up years.

“The Girl stalls at the corridor hoping to catch a glance at The Boy. Then there were the calls to the house phone where into the 20th minute, someone had to use the phone. The internet brought upon e-cards and long msn chats, again till someone had to use the computer. It is also the time where your heart skips a beat, you can’t help smiling, everything seems so magical. The excitement when The Boy comes over to say hi, chit chat for a bit in full view of your friends who are giggling behind your back.”

Ah yes, the high school days.

All those flashback both from experience and of friends kept my mind occupied during my 35 minute LRT ride to work this morning. In about a month, I will be 24 years old. Yet some things don’t go away even if you have aged 10 years from being a teenager.

The heart still skips a beat. The giggling has died but the excitement lives. Emails / Facebook have taken precedence over online chats. No one will bug me 20 minutes into the conversation because I have a handphone. Gone are the days about favourite bands (BSB & N’Sync comes to mind), the famous celebrities and hunks, the latest movies, who’s-with-who. This has evolved into talk about ourselves, interests, the looming economic downturn, political circus of our country, unit trusts, aspirations. “Hanging out” no longer revolves around a mall.

Yeah, I have grown but a thing like a crush is here to stay.

A Day of Rant and Vent

A rather upset Kul is writing this. So if you’re not into reading ranty posts, pls do not proceed any further.

I got ticked off today for something that is completely no fault of mine nor my wrongdoing. And it’s upsetting because I know the person who scolded me, A, should have channeled the vents of a job not well done to the actual person itself. Instead, I was at the receiving end of a lecture I did not deserve.

I am trying to rationalize it out so as to not get upset. But I really can’t. Thinking it is different from internalizing it. Some of the reasons I came up with: Perhaps A is tired coz we had a mentally challenging and exhausting day. The lash could be due to tiredness. Perhaps I was there at the wrong place, wrong time. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps….

But whatever the reason, I still felt the pinch. And I’m not happy about it.

So I started to rationalize myself instead. I got ticked off. And when I was leaving, it was pouring cat, dogs and whiskers which made me miss the badminton game I really wanted to go for. Walking with an umbrella while the rain was resonating my very upset sentiments at its peak, it also spoiled one of my favourite pairs of shoes.

On my walk home, semi lost in my thoughts, I realized something. I felt it, the fury, the anger and frustration of someone who vented on me. Those emotions and sentiments which would have in the past just bounced off me actually seeped and infringed it my heart in the most unexpected way. I have (finally!) developed some sense of sensitivity!

Strange? Well, not so if you have known me through the years. I’m almost incapable of being hurt emotionally because I never ever let anyone’s words and opinions, bothered me. However, that is not always a good thing because I didn’t really understood or practiced the sensitivity level most people function on.

And one more thing came to mind. The upsetness actually led to my bad day. Had I not been upset about the tick off, I probably wouldn’t be unhappy bout my spoilt shoes or the weather or the badminton game I missed. Things do go in circles.

Well, I’m done venting. I’ve decided to channel all of it here instead of bottling it inside. Not bad, two realisations in one day. *pat*pat* Now back to normal operating conditions. If you’ve read everything, sekian, terima kasih.

Phew....

you know how it feels to face something tough and dreading the moment to it?

i had this thing and while i know i have done my very best, it's hard to gauge expectations when you are given no indication or benchmarking. i was pretty much alone and had to simply figure it out. the figuring out wasn't the hard part, it is knowing whether what i figured out is actually correct or not; that was tough.

anyways, i received my feedback and boy, i'm relieved its over. and no, i didnt lose any sleep on it but i dislike questioning myself again and again, making sure, double checking, triple checking and if i do it anymore, i'm the new obsessive compulsive in town.

i can breathe more easily now. PHEW.... boy, am i glad it is over.

if you're wondering why am i being so vague about this thing, well, that's coz, i dont even know if i'm suppose to talk about it. while its technically not really personal but when there is a blur line, i'd keep it vague. bear with me wont you?

looking forward to a relaxing weekend with great food!

how do you...

...pick up the courage to admit something you're not willing to admit? and having to do the admitting part to someone else. or maybe you dont admit, but just tell/ confess/ ramble/ blurt out a string of words to try to explain what the hell you want to say. sounds complicated right? coz it is!

i am surprised at myself. i'm hardly the one who's scared to speak my mind. now i'm contended to just sit and do nothing although inside there is the incessant voice which refuses to shut up.

i just hope i dont regret this, regreting what i should have done or if its too late. afterall, i always say, no harm trying. if it doesn't work out, at least i've tried. hah... so much easier said than done.

so what do i do? try or don't even bother? seriously, it's a lil scary.

An empty mind...

...is said to be the devil's workshop. but i dont think it has reached that point yet. i'm just rather restless. everyday is a routine, there is nothing to look forward to.

i wake up, get dressed
work work work
lunch
work work
get crammed in sardine packed lrt
shower and dinner
surf the net, check emails, facebook
read
bed

tomorrow the whole day repeats itself. weekends are a lil better, there is always a play to catch, and i can count the invitations to pool parties, or if i'm really up for it, clubbing. but they no longer appeal to me. its been there, done that.

i guess i'm looking for something more meaningful. i have the weekends in my hands and as much as i really enjoy my sleep (coz 6 hours on mon-fri ain't enough), i need something to look forward to. make a contribution to society, help someone in need, learn a new skill, go dancing like i've always wanted to, just something. a breeze of fresh air.

i want a vacation. the weather and i, however, are not on agreeable terms. so the vacation will have to wait.

i'm already rambling. its the partially empty mind i'm telling you.