Because I am not you

it is most unexplainable these feelings i'm experiencing and i hate every moment of it. not being able to put a finger to what acutally cause all this is slowly killing me inside. or maybe i do know the cause but am just running and hiding away from all of this. because hide and seek is so much easier than facing it.

the doubt that looms on my head, the puzzlement of how people can carry on with lives holding such tremendous, heart breaking secrets if they're were let out, trust people hold me on to and the same trust i put onto people i care most about. a part of me feels a lil guilty, like i had a part to play in this teeny tiny melodrama but that's not possible coz i only came into picture when the play was over after the curtain call. or could it be my conscience screaming at me. when i lose sight of black and white, grey is not my favourite colour. grey provides no comfort in assuring i'm right, it doesnt insist i did any wrong, it's just murky, hazy and fit for the confused. i'm entering confusion but not delusional as yet.

it will take days before this numbness and ache leaves me. but putting that blind plaster smile doesnt make that voice in my head shut up. everytime i'm alone, it slowly creeps onto me, eats me when i sleep, chewing me like termites to wood.

i feel sad, confused, disappointed, enraged, puzzled, amazed at myself but more so to a friend whom i can't quite expain in plain simple english of the possible consequences that may arise from the friend's actions. it is a mockery, perhaps even a karma payback. how can a person get upset over something, then do the same thing in varying degree to another person and yet use manipulative words to justify ones action? i tried reasoning it out and the justifications seem reasonable but only to a person who doesn't care enough. i care and i live with my conscience everyday. i need to be able to look at the person in the mirror and feel free. therefore i am not you. i really don't know how you do it.